Trump works out deal to privatize all city parks

By Dom Belcastro|April 24, 2018Student Writing, The Porthole|

The Trump administration issued a briefing that all city parks throughout the nation will begin to transition into private ownership. This move was expected by and embraced by legislators across the aisle in Congress and local state houses.

“Finally, this White House has decided to prioritize citizens with ‘Park Apathy’ and encourage local business leaders to show the way to really utilize vast swathes of vacant land for the average resident of our great American cities” tweeted Ryan Zinke, Trump’s Secretary of the Interior.

Portland denizens can look forward to major renovation and improvements of its “dilapidated and frankly, gross” parks according to local resident, Dick Baron. Mayor Ted Wheeler voiced excitement over plans to turn the formerly named Peninsula Park’s fountain into a heated pool, open year round.

The new park, renamed Jimmy John’s™ “Hot Tub for the Hottest Portlanders” Park will begin construction imminently. Jimmy John Liautaud’s spokesperson stated that “Jimmy has had a particular interest in the North Portland park ever since he first visited it in 1980, before he had founded his iconic sandwich and smells chain titan.”

The PR representative continued, “Jimmy wants Portland to know that, ‘no longer will you walk among the barely manicured grass and roses only to find some dirty bum sleeping in the shade of the trees.’”

Plans include an electrified fence around the boundary of the park to ensure that “fare evaders” will not be able to view the world renowned roses or “sully the beautiful jacuzzi fountain we plan to install,” according to Jimmy John’s™ CEO.

Price of daily admission will begin at $65.99, with a ‘Golden Hero’ upgrade option that will allow park goers ‘one legal kill’ of an exotic animal of their choosing per week, to honor the wishes of the generous founder of Jimmy John’s™ “Hot Tub for the Hottest Portlanders” Park. The Oregon Zoo will be contracted to provide the additional amenities, replacing the Peninsula Park Outdoor Pool. ‘Golden Hero’ subscriptions will cost nothing, but will be reserved for close friends and family of the titular park’s owner.

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