Local activists successfully capture funding for world’s the smallest park [SUCK IT MILLS ENDS PARK!!]

By Dom Belcastro|April 24, 2018Student Writing, The Porthole|

Portland, OR is a city known for many things. Good beer, lots of rain, an internationally renowned rose garden within one of the largest city parks in the nation, as well as its many bridges. Portland’s Naito Parkway has also boasted one of the city’s most eclectic attractions: Mill’s Ends Park, the tiniest park in the world.

NO MORE

Mill’s Ends has been dislodged from the auspicious tiny throne it occupied for [XX years] due to the work of [name of local activists]. Danny Devito Park, established to honor its namesake, resides within the Lents neighborhood.

The newest monarch of tiny parks gained its throne through funding provided by the [grant here], set aside for every civic effort “of the tiniest caliber,” according to the mission of [foundation name]. Lents residents will soon be able to enjoy the miniscule fruits of their neighbors’ labor.

Update:
Activists from the Rajneeshee community have announced their own intentions to create the world’s smallest park. They have begun a campaign, alongside researchers from OHSU to breed a microbe with the ability to landscape the grounds of Osho City Park, the proposed name of the newest, smallest park in Portland.

Detractors claim that the park will become a literal breeding ground for new toxic followers of the small sect that once inhabited Antelope, OR. OHSU assures concerned residents that these microbes will be 100% poison-free, but admit the Rajneeshee have requested the designer life forms be tinted red.

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