A Group Conspicuously Similar to That Scary News Company Purchases The Bridge

By Jake Edgar|April 24, 2018Student Writing, The Porthole|

On Tuesday of last week The Bridge was informed that it was now under the ownership of a local branch of “Sinclair Media Group.”

This is actually a pleasant surprise. The Bridge has infamously been underfunded, and despite the fact that we will be under tbe scrutiny of a massive corporation, and will be required to report outright lies to the people of PCC, at least we will be getting a raise.

In fact the media company that is taking over wanted us to mention that, yes they are lizard people, but hey is that really so bad? Is it really so bad that lizard people murdered innocent folks and are now inhabiting their bodies? If that makes your skin crawl, than we have some news for you!

The new owners also wanted us to say that there would be no reason to concern whether or not the news we produce is true, or whether or not it was funded by a group of crooked interplanitary lawyers. The reality is, even human lawyers are lizards amiright?

In conclusion, we here at The Porthole, as we are now known, wanted to help your minds find some way to settle down, some way to tuck yourselves into your beds tonight, and in that spirit we offer anyone who calls tonight a lifetime supply of that weird Slime shit kids are obsessed with these days. 666-666-EVIL

 

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