New, [Blood-]Transfers finish free program for low income PCC students
Portland Community College, in partnership with Biomat USA and Portland State University, have announced a new scholarship program for underserved human students. The [Blood] Transfers Finish Free program is reserved for students earning less than 80% of the federal poverty level who are transferring from PCC to PSU with at least one and half years of credits towards earning a four year degree.
The program will allow these ripe and bright-eyed poor students to exchange their physical assets for the cost of tuition, student and incidental fees, as well as room and board on PSU campus. An interested PCC student exclaimed, “Finally, a way for me to afford the skyrocketing costs of being a student at a university!”
When asked why this program was right for her, Lucy Westenra explained, “I am a student who works a minimum wage job while going to school full time. I barely can make the bills some months, often relying on cash advances and other debt broker services. I gladly embrace the option to offer my vital resources to focus on my education in sleep apnea research.”
Proponents of the Transfers Finish Free Program offer praise for giving young, healthy and iron-rich students a way to leverage the few natural assets they may possess. Medical professionals from the Hippocratic school of the Four Humours assure the public that, when done correctly, regular emissions of platelets and plasma are perfectly “possible” for the human body to endure.
All organic assets gained from the Transfers Finish Free scholarship program will be redistributed to individuals without the ability to produce human blood or emotion, colloquially known as “bloodsuckers” or “house flippers.”