Public Service Announcement

By Miriam Vonnahme|May 20, 2019The Porthole, Top Stories|

Don’t forget to wipe the Jelly globs from your counter this month, be wary of the grains of sugar that spill from somewhere between your spoon and the coffee mug. Be sure to sweep your cabinets and stovetop of excess crumbs and debris. Be mindful of this, for THE ANTS ARE COMING! At first it might just be one ant, moving quietly, unobtrusively in your periphery. You’ll blink once and it may even disappear. Ants. But make no mistake, when you turn around, the ants will have multiplied. Ants. Lines of ants will appear, marching single file across your bathroom mirror when you brush your teeth. Ants. You’ll unwrap your brunch leftovers only to find them bustling and blanketing your potatoes and swimming in coagulated hollandaise. Ants. They will catch you off guard by crawling up your arm when you’re talking on the telephone. Ants. Be proactive, because once the ants have arrived, they are not turning back.

Alternatively, ants have substantial nutritional value; once you have a significant infestation there are a variety of dishes that can be prepared using only the remains of their tiny bodies. Simply put out a normally prepared afternoon snack or dinner, leave it exposed for 10min, and suddenly you’ll have twice the amount of protein on your plate than you started with. A single ant is 13.9 grams of protein and 3.5 grams of fat. Think of the possibilities. You could cut your grocery bill in half and never have to look past the crawling critters on your counter when it’s time to eat. Ants.

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