Trump Signs Executive Order to End Capitalism, Stop Climate Change, Ban Assault Rifles, Create Free Universal Healthcare, Honor broken Treaties with Indigenous Nations, and Abolish the Prison Industrial Complex

By Joe Culhane|May 21, 2019Satire, The Porthole, Top Stories|

Bloomberg via Getty Images

Critics and fans alike, are now unanimously calling Donald J. Trump, (whose close friends refer to him as “DJT”), the greatest President of all time and who will likely ever live. All this, came after breaking news from the White House, reporting that this very high IQ man’s ability to find loopholes in the constitution that allow him to perform staggering feats of executive overreach, finally proved to be useful outside of his personal business interests.

While it was common knowledge that DJT is the greatest Tweeter, boss, lover, and father ever, this latest action has catapulted him into something of a Jesus, Gandhi, MLK, Jane Goodall, and Oprah figure combined. Known the world over for his love of signing executive orders that turned the world on its side due to what we thought was a sheer lack of regard for marginalized people and the environment, he has shocked us all with the biggest prank the world has ever known. Political analysts are calling him “the Trojan Horse of contemporary social politics.” Now, it is apparent throughout the world, that Trump’s rise to power as a bigoted white supremacist was really just a charade to secure his position as leader of the free world, and surprise us all with social justice policies that never would have passed had he not been an old, rich, white man.

As part of this sweeping executive order, all corporations, executive board members, fat cats, private jet owning, 3rd-home-owning, bourgeois, capitalists, will have 48 hours to surrender all assets, money, and property that Trump, in his infinite wisdom, would personally deem to be, “too much”. The rest they can keep. He then plans to implement a strategy for a resource based economy and move to phase out money as we now know it. DJT acknowledged that trying to live a lifestyle of perpetual growth on a planet with finite resources is ridiculous.

In a recent press conference, DJT also pledged 99% of his money that is not in offshore accounts to support women, the LGBTQ+ community, opioid addiction, and the homeless crisis.

 

When asked about the U.S ruffling the feathers of many world leaders in the Arctic Council in recent months,  Trump responded, “that was just a test to see how committed and serious other countries are taking environmental issues, I wanted to make sure they wouldn’t just buckel under U.S opposition.” Trump’s “that was just a test to see how committed you actually are” mentality also applies to his past efforts to dismantle Endangered Species Acts and for making numerous land sales to fossil fuel interests in previously protected wilderness areas. After all the trouble and sacrifice Trump went through pretending to be beholden to his “friends” in the fossil fuel industry, the public sees now, that like Jesus, he has deemed the American public worthy of saving, since we have proved to him how committed we are to responding to these issues.  

Among the many measures in DJT’s executive order, is one that makes it clear that all present and future fossil fuel projects will be halted, and that all remaining natural resources will be left in the ground. With the money that mega corporations like Exxon and Shell have amassed, these corporations will now be forced to devote all of their wealth and workforce to ecological restoration projects across the nation. The first restoration project Trump declared his team would embark upon will be to protect the over one million species that are slated to go extinct.

“Not on my watch. Not today. Extinction is bad!” ~ DJT

 

Trump also seized this opportunity to put an end to gun violence once and for all.  DJT is famous for 105 being his lucky number, so in light of the US having had it’s 105th mass shooting in the year 2019, he figured it was only appropriate to finally ban assault rifles. He also thought it might be a nice gesture to throw in a decry that the National Rifle Association (NRA) had two weeks to officially close up shop.

DJT wasted no words in his complete overhaul of the medical system. In fact, in less than two sentences DJT makes it clear that private health insurance has got to go. “Let the era of free universal health care finally flow!” Trump said.  For good measure, he added that new parents can take up to two years off from work if they’d like.

Trump also asked prominent black liberation activists like Assata Shakur (who was finally taken off the FBI’s most wanted list and pardoned by DJT by the way) and Angela Davis to lead the way in state backed efforts to completely dismantle the prison industrial complex once and for all.

As of 2019, there are 573 federally recognized  Indigenous Nations in the U.S, DJT says that the settler colonial ways that he, and most white europeans have been practicing since the Papal Bulls of the 15th Century is “actually pretty embarrassing”. And furthermore that the broken treaties need to be addressed and reparations must be made. After penciling in this part of the executive order, Trump tweeted “I am seriously the best president, no other presidents have been as ‘woke’ as me.”

Donald Trump is WOKE

In light of the groundbreaking success of Trump’s executive order, journalists and pundits alike, asked at the most recent White House press briefing,  “what could possibly come next from this brilliantly erratic President?” With a coy smile, Press Secretary Sarah Sanders responded, “Trump’s got a little surprise for all the flat earth conspirators…. Remember all that talk about ‘Space Force’?  he’s actually just shooting a bunch of flat earthers into space for a while to settle this nonsense once and for all.”

 

Share this Post: